Why we disagree politely here

If you're reading this, you might be here because something you posted tripped our community rules for the second time in the last seven days. That doesn't make you a bad person. It usually means a conversation got heated and you wanted to be heard.

Before you carry on, I'd like to ask you to think about something.

Most arguments online aren't really disagreements. They're two people talking past each other, each one certain they're right, neither one really listening. And the thing I've had to learn the hard way is this: it's very rare that any one of us is 100% right about anything. Especially on the topics we feel most strongly about. Those are usually the topics where our own experience is one small slice of a much bigger picture.

When someone says something that feels wrong to you, there are two things you can do. You can push back hard and try to win the argument. Or you can get curious about why they see it that way. The first feels good for about ten seconds. The second actually teaches you something — and, in my experience, changes far more minds than the first ever will.

Lincoln.Life is a small community. The person you're arguing with probably lives round the corner. Tomorrow you might see them at the Co-op, or their kid might be in the same class as yours. The words on a screen feel like they vanish when you close the tab, but they don't. People remember.

I'm not asking you to agree with anyone you don't agree with. I'm asking you to treat the person on the other side of the conversation as a neighbour, which is what they are. Argue with what they said, not with who they are. And if you find yourself wanting to type something sharp — have a cup of tea first. It almost always helps.

Thanks for reading.